Yes - there is no way of going around this one. It has taken me about 2-weeks to write this, but I felt that I now need to get this out on "paper." I feel like I will not be able to record anything else until this is done - and we have a lot of fun things coming up! (Disney!)
About a week and a half after our appointment at baystate IVF to see the little one's (strong) heartbeat, I had my initial exam with Dr. O'Neill on 2/17. It was my 8-week check up and I forgot if we see the heartbeat at this one and asked Josh if he wanted to come. If it was just an information gathering session, then I didn't really need him there, but if we were to have an ultrasound I knew he would want to be there. He decided to come, which now looking back at it, I am so glad he did.
We got right into our appointment and were excited to share all the ins and outs of this pregnancy (great heat beat detected at Baystate; not a lot of pregnancy symptoms - didn't have any with Jacob; blood sugars great, do we want to schedule a Nuchal Fold exam - yes- do we want to plan on another C-Section- yes, etc). Dr. O'Neill asked if we wanted an ultrasound. He did not normally do them at 8 weeks, but the office got a new machine that they were excited about. Josh and I said yes and I proceeded to get undressed for the exam. Dr. O'Neill was looking and looking at the image on the screen. I was not immediately nervous because a baby at 8-weeks does not look like a baby. Nothing looked wrong to me. He then said "I can;t find a heartbeat, I'm sorry to say." (He was very warm and sensitive about it) He told me to get dressed and that he was going to call down to Radiology/Imaging to get a better look. I still was not that worried. I knew that 8-weeks was early to detect a heartbeat anyway and knew that 1.5 weeks prior we had just seen a strong beating heart. We walked down to Radiology and I was certain they would see something, but I was also preparing myself for the worst.
Radiology looked twice - internal exam as well as external and there was nothing. :( The baby stopped growing at about 7.5 weeks. We went back up to visit with Dr. O'Neill and have him talk about next steps - a D&C: surgery to remove the baby the next week -Thursday 2/23. I was upset, but not really crying. I remember sitting in the Dr's office waiting for him to come in actually feeling bad for him. I did not want him to feel sad that he had to tell us this news. I was doing really well at not crying...I think that I was still in shock.
Josh and I left. He was really good about bringing up all the positive things about a miscarriage (can there be positive things?). This might of saved us from making a harder choice down the road. We can try again. We have a great little two-year-old boy at home and it is possible for us to have another one (albeit through IVF - we still have 4 frozen eggs). I was doing ok with listening to him try to encourage me until I had to call my parents. When my mom answered the phone I just about lost it. Then I realized that I would not be making a trip to the Cape to visit them and to get my maternity clothes from a friend the next day. I told my mom and dad that I would not be making the trip (I was orig going to leave on Sat and be back home on Sunday. a little solo trip to the Cape for this momma!). I needed to spend this time with Josh and Jacob.
I did not go back to work (except to pick up my car - Josh picked me up for the appointment - and tell my boss so she would know why I was not in the office.) I went home, shed some tears, and was just in disbelief. I could not wait to pick Jacob up from daycare. I wanted to give the little guy a big hug. Which, led me to be surprised when I did get him I felt even more sad/hurt. Jacob is so wonderfully perfect and this little one that I will not get to know would have been equally as special. I will never get to see this little bean do the things Jacob is doing. My heart ached. and that Jacob is so happy and he has no clue what is going on in his mommy and daddy's head/heart! Which is good, but bitter sweet to see him carry on like normal, like our world did not just get turned sideways. We went out to dinner - just the three of us - to the Hot Dog Ranch and I decided that I would still make the trip to the Cape to see my parents. After all, Josh was looking forward to some guy time with Jacob.
The next morning, Jacob and I went to music class. Josh picked Jacob up after the class and I continued down to the Cape. It felt awful knowing that there was still a baby inside me, but it was not growing anymore. I just wanted to surgery to get here and get it over with - I wanted to move on, but felt I could not with a dead baby inside me.
When I arrived on the Cape my mom and I did some shopping for our upcoming trip to Disney and my mom, dad and I went out to dinner. We watched three episodes of Friday Night Lights (season 1) and I went to bed. I headed out in the morning at about 11am and was back home a little before 3. I did well during the drive home, not really crying until I called my dad to let him know that I arrived home safely. Although, the first thing I said to him was “Do you think the baby is in heaven?” I mean to babies who die in-utero go to heaven? a baby that still has it's tail? a baby that you don't even know the gender of? We both cried and he confirmed what I had thought - yes they do go to heaven. We will meet up one day and that he/she will know that I am their momma. (insert crying as I type here). in-utero go to heaven? a baby that still has it's tail? a baby that you don't even know the gender of? We both cried and he confirmed what I had thought - yes they do go to heaven. We will meet up one day and that he/she will know that I am their momma. (insert crying as I type here).
Anyway, come Monday the bleeding began (about mid-afternoon). I went home really upset because I wanted the baby to be removed from my body in the hospital. I did not want the baby to be Peed out into toilet. The cramps were terrible and I called the on-call OBGYN who said that I I were to become light headed and/or go through 2+ pads in an hour to go to the ER. Everything was fine
until about 9pm that night. The cramps were so bad that I told Josh that I was going to call megan so that she could take me to the ER and he could stay with Jacob. I slowly walked out to the car, but as we were driving to the ER my vision started to black out – maybe from the pain? Maybe from the loss of blood? I took some deep breaths and by the time the 10-min ride was over, it had returned. I had megan go inside and request a wheelchair. I was promptly brought into the ER and they started an IV. I was in SO much pain – but it took about 1.5 hours to get any pain medication. They needed to get the blood work back, talk to the OBGYN on-call, give her the results of the blood work, and do an internal exam. Once I got the pain meds I could finally hold a conversation with megan. Within 1 minute of getting the pain meds I felt so much better! They started to become less effective after about 30 minutes, so I was given another dose, and then shortly after that, we were sent on our way. I got home a little after midnight and Jacob did not wake once (thankful!).
Dr. O’Neill still wanted to do the D&C on Thursday. So that day finally come. The surgery was easy – not painful at all and the *best* news was was that the tissue (baby) was still in my cervix so they were able to send it down to pathology. I was so relieved to know that the baby was removed in the hospital. It was just important to me to know that she/he was there and not in pipes somewhere. Sounds insane, but it was really important to me. I rested during the afternoon and felt well enough to pick Jacob up (thankful that he goes to daycare at my work which is ½ a mile down the road). When we were walking to the car he said something that almost made me lose – he wanted to know where his baby sister was. He kept on asking and asking “where’s my baby sister? Where’s my baby sister?”
I was amazed by how much better I felt after the surgery was over. Psychologically I was in a much better place. We spoke to our IVF nurses and they said we can try again after two periods – they put me on birth control so it will be somewhat predictable as sometimes my cycles are so irregular. I don’t want to be waiting and waiting for my period to come. I am ready to try again….I would do it tomorrow if I were able.
In the past when ever I heard of people going through grief after a miscarriage, I thought, yes it is sad, but thought to myself, but they didn’t actually know the baby so it can’t be that sad. Not that I ever discounted their feelings, I just thought that while sad to have gone through that, I did not think that *if* it were to ever happen to me that I would be that shaken up over it. Boy, was I wrong……EXTREMELY WRONG. It is a loss a real loss…the loss of a child. And it is especially hard on the mom I think. You are supposed to do everything you can to protect your child and you feel like you failed at that job. Yes, I know things happen and I did everything right and it was not my fault, but I still feel like I failed this child.
This was a terrible/sad/depressing experience. One that I wish I never had to go through (or anyone else for that matter), but Josh and I both agree that if it is the worst thing that ever happens to us then we will be lucky. I was shocked by how said I really was. Yes we lost a baby and that is terribly sad and horrible, but it is so different than losing a child that you have held in your arms. I could not imagine being a parent of a baby that passed within a few hours of being born or a parent to a toddler going through cancer. Going through a miscarriage is terrible, I don’t want to make light of it, but that is a tragedy.
So – on that note, we are optimistic that we will be pregnant again soon. In the meantime, I am going to try to lose 10 more lbs! And we will be trying again ASAP. I am excited to give Jacob a baby sibling - yes, it will take a little longer than we originally though, but we will get there I am sure of it! And how special will this little one be?!?!?! She/he will be a gift – a gift that this angel baby gave to us.
